2017-2018


Riff Raff Subbuteo Premier League


League Table

Pos   Team Pld W D L F - AGD Pts
1 Queens Park Rangers (Rob) 8 6 1 1 27 - 720 19
2 Leeds United (Al) 8 5 2 1 24 - 816 17
3 Chelsea (Alan) 7 3 3 1 7 - 52 12
4 Everton (Stuart) 7 2 2 3 7 - 9-2 8
5 Arsenal (Darryl) 5 2 1 2 3 - 9-6 7
6 Tottenham Hotspur (Kev) 7 1 1 5 5 - 14-9 4
7 West Ham United (John) 6 0 0 6 0 - 21-21 0

Upcoming Fixtures

Monday 11th December
Afternoon
Spurs v West Ham
QPR v Spurs
QPR v West Ham
Evening
No Games

Monday 18th December
Afternoon
Everton v Spurs
Arsenal v Everton
Arsenal v Spurs
Evening
West Ham v Chelsea
Chelsea v Leeds Utd
Cup Draw


Monday 4th December

Arsenal 1 West Ham 0
Everton 0 Arsenal 0
Everton 1 Leeds Utd 3
West Ham 0 Leeds Utd 4

Match Reports – Leeds close the gap

Arsenal ( 1 ) 1 (No.12: 3’)
West Ham ( 0 ) 0

Referee Cutler ditched the smiley yellow (Leeds-esque) whistle for a shiny silver Acme Thunderer

Both teams lined up in defensive formations, but within a minute, West Ham got the ball into the Arsenal penalty area. The sound of referee Alan Cutler’s Acme Thunderer signalled the award of a penalty kick for hand ball. The spot kick was subsequently scuffed, tamely clipping the outside of the post, trickling out for a goal-kick. With this golden opportunity missed, Arsenal recovered to take the lead on 3 minutes with a quality finish, as No.12 fired into the far corner of the net from the edge of the area. 1-0 at the break. West Ham dominated much of the second half but couldn’t find an equaliser. Arsenal finished strongly in the last few minutes but the early strike proved to be decisive.

Everton ( 0 ) 0
Arsenal ( 0 ) 0

Having secured three points against the Hammers, the Gunners took on the Toffees. Sadly, this introduction is probably the most exciting aspect of this game. There were few chances as both teams cancelled each other out.

Everton ( 1 ) 1 (No.9: 7’)
Leeds Utd ( 1 ) 3 (No.8: 13’ / No.10: 18’ / No.9: 19’)

Leeds came from behind to secure all three points. Everton went in front when No.7 finished well on 7 minutes. But Leeds can be hard to contain, and with just a couple of minutes left of the first half, No.8 equalised. Everton were still well in the game, until Leeds turned things firmly in their favour, with two goals in a minute. No.10 put Leeds ahead on 18 minutes and No.9 followed up a minute later when his shot towards the far corner, was fumbled in by the keeper.

West Ham ( 0 ) 0
Leeds Utd ( 2 ) 4 (No.3: 4’ / No.3 (OG): 13’ / No.4: 21’ / No.9: 28’)

No surprises here, as the result went as per the form book. No.3 pushed into the attack to put Leeds in front on 4 minutes. Leeds pressure at the end of the first half paid off when a shot from outside the box on 13 minutes, deflected in off the West Ham No.3 from close range. Leeds went 3-0 up when No.4 drilled a firm shot into the far corner of the net on 18 minutes, following a corner. No.9 rounded things off two minutes from time to make it 4-0. So, three more crucial points for Leeds closing the gap to just two points behind QPR.

Fans gather behind the goal before kick off as Arthur Daley inspects the six yard box


Monday 20th November

Spurs 0 Arsenal 1
QPR 2 Leeds Utd. 2
Leeds Utd 2 Spurs 0
Everton 0 Chelsea 0

Match Reports – Arsenal get their first win

Spurs ( 0 ) 0
Arsenal ( 1 ) 1 (No.19: 13’)

by Alan Cutler, Leeds Evening Drivel

The first north London derby in the Riff Raff Premier era kicked off the evenings proceedings. A point clearly lost on the cat who vacated its seat during the warm up.

First chance of the game to Arsenal forced the spurs keeper into action. Three minutes into the game ‘the hand of Poch’ intervened and suspiciously repositioned an Arsenal midfielder. The claims of “For some reason I thought it was the referee” were shouted down with “should’ve gone to specsavers”. Arsenal continued to make the early running before a spell of tight play in the Keene & Bourneo corner, to which watching Everton Manager Stuart suggested he would “join the cat in a minute”.

The deadlock was broken by Arsenal in the 13th minute as Rocastle slotted a tight finish following a good interchange at the edge of the shooting area. Watching Chelsea manager Alan Arnold quipped that it was Paul Hardcastle in the thiiiiirteenth minute.

An even start to the second half was halted by the whistle when, in the act of shooting, an Arsenal forward took out a Spurs defender. Spurs fluffed their lines from the resulting free kick but Arsenal failed to build on their advantage. Spurs were trying to take the game to Arsenal but the gunners were keeping them at arms length. In addition to stout defending, Arsenal continued to create the lions share of the chances and came close to doubling their lead, shooting just wide with 2 minutes remaining. No further goals, so bragging rights go to Arsenal.

QPR ( 0 ) 2 (No.7: 16’ / No.9: 22’)
Leeds Utd ( 0 ) 2 (No.5: 23’ / No.11: 25’)

Leeds, in their all yellow away strip, went on the attack from the first whistle. They applied all the pressure in a one sided first half, forcing several corners. But with Rangers showing much resilience, great saves from ‘Parksie’ and some luck, they got to half time still on level terms.

Having breathed a sigh of relief at the interval, Rangers began to get into the game after the break, taking the lead on 16 minutes. Following a throw-in on the right, No.7 hit a shot into the corner of the net from 20 yards. Rangers forced a couple of crucial saves out of the Leeds keeper before going 2-0 up on 22 minutes. A perfectly delivered corner was powerfully headed home at the far post by No.9 ’Sir Les’. But, as we’ve come to expect, Leeds refused to lie down and hit back immediately, pulling a goal back when No.5 pushed forward, to reduce the arrears. Then, on 25 minutes, came the dramatic Leeds equaliser. This time, ‘Parksie’ had no chance, as No.11 finished in style from 20 yards, to take a share of the spoils.

This was yet another enthralling match between these two sides. And, there’s another one to come in the new year. Perhaps they’ll also meet again in the cup. Stay tuned viewers!

Leeds Utd ( 1 ) 2 (No.10: 5’ / No.4: 25’)
Spurs ( 0 ) 0

Kev and his Spurs team faced a tough challenge against Al and his mighty Leeds. For the most part, Spurs competed well and held their own. But Leeds are always tough opponents and secured the three points with a goal in each half. Leeds went in front on 5 minutes with a goal from No.10. A 25 minute strike by No.4 secured the points.

Everton ( 0 ) 0
Chelsea ( 0 ) 0

Both sides huffed and puffed, but the end result was a 0-0 stalemate, as they cancelled each other out. There were a couple of minutes of feisty entertainment late in the game in the guise of two yellow cards. Everton’s No.11 was the first in the referee’s book, followed a minute later by Chelsea’s No.8, for a similar foul challenge. Always a closely fought fixture, there have been quite a few 0-0 draws in the past between these two sides, and this was the first match of this season’s league campaign to end goal-less.


Monday 13th November

Chelsea 2 Arsenal 1
QPR 7 Arsenal 0
Chelsea 0 QPR 1

Match Reports – Arsenal kick-off their season

Chelsea ( 1 ) 2 (No.9: 11’ No.4: 29’)
Arsenal ( 0 ) 1 (No.12: 25’)

Arsenal, the new boys in this season’s Riff Raff Premier League, made their entrance with a tough test against Chelsea. Arsenal manager, Darryl Howes said before kick-off …“As a team lacking ambition and with players who would rather be elsewhere, it will take the pressure off!” But the pressure was immediately applied by a determined looking Chelsea team, pinning the newcomers back into their own penalty area for much of the first half. The breakthrough came on 11 minutes as a good finish by No.7 gave Chelsea a 1-0 half-time lead.

Arsenal looked like they might take a share of the spoils when they snatched a second half equaliser with an attack on the break. No.12 netted from right of centre on 25 minutes to set up an interesting last five. In the end, Chelsea got the reward for their pressure. With the game heading into added-on time, No.4 pushed forward to slot the ball into the corner of the net. A spirited effort by Darryl and his Arsenal side in their first outing, producing an encouraging performance against one of the league’s top sides.

QPR ( 3 ) 7 (No.4 (OG): 4’ / No.5: 11 / No.10: 13’ 23’ / No.11: 21’ / No.7:26’ / No.8: 29’)
Arsenal ( 0 ) 0

Arsenal came up against the sharp-shooters of QPR in their second game.

…Arsene is probably glad he didn’t !!!

Rangers took the lead when the Arsenal No.4 turned a corner into his own net with just 4 minutes gone. Rangers centre-half stole in on the left to finish like a top striker to make it 2-0 on 11 minutes. ‘Stan’ hit a brace in this game – his first goal hitting the net on 13 minutes. 3-0 to QPR at half-time. No.11 made it 4-0 on 21 minutes before ‘Stan’ curled in his second, just inside the far post, from a 25 yard free kick on 23 minutes. No.7 made it six on 26 minutes before ‘Gerry’ got in on the act on 29 minutes, to complete the scoring. This was a game Arsene Wenger would definitely not have wanted to see.

Chelsea ( 0 ) 0
Q P R ( 0 ) 1 (No.7: 29’)

Chelsea, with an unbeaten start to the season, took on a free-scoring QPR team. However, Rangers, in their black and red hoops, were restricted to a handful of chances by a resolute Chelsea side. A goal-less first half was probably a fair reflection of the game, although Chelsea looked the more likely to open the scoring, in the earlier stages. The game looked like it was destined to be a 0-0 stalemate when Rangers’ No.7 popped up to snatch a dramatic injury time winner with a shot which deceived the keeper. The despair showed on the face of Chelsea manager Alan Arnold, as the ball hit the back of the net.


Tuesday 2nd November

Spurs 0 QPR 4
Leeds Utd. 6 West Ham 0
Leeds Utd. 2 QPR 3

Match Reports – Leeds and QPR entertain again

Spurs ( 0 ) 0
Q P R ( 3 ) 4 (No.10: 6’ / 11’ / 19’ / No.11: 14’)

QPR, in their changed strip of black and red hoops, took on Spurs in the first game of the evening. ‘Stan’ hit a hat-trick as Rangers cruised to a four goal win. The home side played some tidy football at times, but they had no answer to Rangers’ clinical finishing. The QPR No.10 scored twice in the first half, on 6 and 11 minutes. No.11 scored on 14 minutes as Rangers led 3-0 at the break. ‘Stan’ completed his hat-trick on 9 minutes, while Cilla, on as a half-time substitute, had a shot well saved and also hit the post – once with the ball and then with Cilla’s head! Spurs can look forward to better days but Rangers won this one comfortably by 4-0.

Leeds Utd ( 3 ) 6 (No.10: 4’ / No.9: 9’ 27’ / No.5: 11’ / No.6: 21’ / No.3: 25’)
West Ham ( 0 ) 0

Leeds manager Alan Cutler started the evening with three points. But this was during the car journey to the game, as flashing cameras turned out not to be the national or local press, or the paparazzi. So, not the three points he was hoping for. (It might not have happened if he’d been driving a Wolwo or a Wauxhall Wiwa!!!)

So, with three unwanted points in the bag, Leeds took on West Ham to secure a, somewhat more welcome reward. Quick as a flash (sorry!), they were on the right road (sorry again!) for the win. Leeds put West Ham under immediate pressure, creating chance after chance in the early exchanges. Shots going narrowly wide, stoic defending and defiant goalkeeping, just about kept the score-sheet blank – for a while, at least. Then came the inevitable! No.10 put Leeds in front after 4 minutes, crashing a shot in off the post. The flood-gates opened! The ball shot into the top corner on 9 minutes, as No.9 scored his first of two goals. Two minutes later, No.5 made it 3-0 to Leeds. No.6 hit Leeds’ fourth with a fine finish into the far corner from 15 yards. More Leeds pressure resulted in a fifth goal on 25 minutes, as No.3 pushed forward to score through a crowded penalty area. No.9 scored his second, and Leeds’ sixth goal, on 27 minutes, beating the keeper at the near post.

West Ham played some neat football at times, as we’ve come to expect, along with some heroics from their goalkeeper. But, despite conjuring a second half shot which flashed just wide of the post, Leeds proved to have too much for West Ham who, it’s rumoured, may be about to sign on Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman to their management team.

Leeds’ keeper keeps out Stan’s penalty

Leeds Utd ( 0 ) 2 (No.9: 16’ / No.11: 27’)
Q P R ( 2 ) 3 (No.7: 4’ 20’ / No.11: 9’)

This was a hastily arranged game to replace Leeds’ postponed game against Everton. It certainly had shades of last season’s cup semi-final, turning out to be another enthralling encounter between these two sides. QPR took to the field, again in their black and red hoops, against Leeds in their traditional all white. Rangers’ No.7 put his side in front on 4 minutes and No.11 added a second goal on 9 minutes. With half-time approaching, Rangers got the chance to put the game firmly in their grasp. With QPR once again on the attack, a Leeds defender handled in the box – Penalty! Up stepped the normally reliable ‘Stan’ to hit the spot kick to the keeper’s right. But the Leeds keeper dived sharply to tip the ball onto the post to keep Leeds in the game, with just a two goal deficit – QPR 2-0 up at the interval.

As we’ve come to expect of Alan Cutler and his Leeds side, they came storming back in the second half. They pulled the score back to 2-1 as No.9 found the net shortly after the interval. But Rangers restored their two goal lead on 20 minutes, when No.7 scored his second of the game on 20 minutes. Leeds responded, pulling the score back to 3-2, when No.11 broke through the centre of the QPR defence to lash a 25 yard strike into the roof of the net on 27 minutes. With chances still being carved out at both ends, Leeds came close to an equaliser with a late free-kick against the bar. But Rangers held out to snatch three important points with a memorable win.


Monday 23rd October

QPR 1 Chelsea 2
Chelsea 1 Everton 0
Everton 1 QPR 5

Match Reports – Chelsea go top as Everton slip

QPR ( 0 ) 1 (No.10:21’)
Chelsea ( 1 ) 2 (No.2:11’ / No.10:28’)

Alan Arnold’s Chelsea recorded their first ever league win against Rob and his QPR side. Since Alan took over his beloved Chelsea, a record of W0 D5 L9 stretching back to 2013, was a disappointing return. This time, Chelsea snatched all three points. Alan had one previous win against Rob’s QPR with Crawley Town in 2012.

Overall this one was a close game, as many have been in the past, but it was Chelsea who started stronger. They pinned QPR back in their own half in the opening minutes but Rangers looked threatening on the break. QPR came close with a shot which hit the inside of the far post and came out again before being cleared by the Chelsea defence. The deadlock was broken on 11 minutes when Chelsea’s No.2 broke through on the right, to produce a shot from 20 yards, across ‘Parksie’ in the QPR goal. Despite diving full length to his right to parry the shot, the full-back followed into the box to put away the rebound from close range.

Early in the second half, Chelsea put Rangers under more pressure with a series of corners. But it was QPR who scored the next goal of the game. No.10 ‘Stan’ grabbed the equaliser from the edge of the box, finding the corner of the net on 21 minutes.

Chelsea’s No.8 was shown the yellow card on 25 minutes for a bad challenge.

However, Chelsea’s reward for their solid all-round performance came when No.10 snatched the winner two minutes from time, giving ‘Parksie’ no chance from 20 yards. The second yellow card of the game came on 29 minutes when the QPR No.5 saw yellow for a bad tackle. But this was Chelsea’s day and keeps them well in contention for the league. This result is sure to be of interest to Leeds manager Alan Cutler too !

Chelsea ( 0 ) 1 (No.8: Pen 21’)
Everton ( 0 ) 0

This was a close encounter, as the score suggests. There were few chances, with neither side really dominating an even contest, although arguably, Chelsea had the edge. Everton went close in the 2nd half with a shot which flashed across face of the Chelsea goal, clipping the outside of the post. Chelsea went in front on 21 minutes having pinned Everton back in their own area, following a corner. Attempting to clear the danger, the Everton defender clipped a Chelsea player’s ankles in the middle of the area – Penalty ! The Chelsea No.8 placed the spot kick to the keeper’s left, giving him no chance. A good effort from Everton but the penalty proved decisive, as Chelsea claimed another three points to shoot up to the top of the table.

Everton ( 0 ) 1 (No.10:21’)
QPR ( 3 ) 5 (No.10:2’ / No.11:9’ / No.6:14’ / No.7:18’ 24’)

With Everton running Chelsea close and QPR losing their previous game, this looked like an intriguing encounter. Could Everton push on and take advantage against a deflated QPR? The answer to that question started to be answered with just 2 minutes gone, as No.10 ‘Stan’ put away an early chance. Then, on 9 minutes, No.11 made it 2-0 with a fine finish. Rangers clinical finishing continued when No.6 netted just before the interval. 3-0 to Rangers! The second half continued with Rangers now well in control. No7 hit two goals, on 18 and 24 minutes. In between, Everton scored a good consolation goal when No.10 gave ‘Parksie’ little chance on 20 minutes. This coincided with Everton’s best spell of the game, but it was too little too late, despite a late free kick rattling the QPR bar. There was still time for some last minute drama. QPR No.40 ‘Cilla’, on as a half-time substitute for No.4, was clean through on goal but was foiled by the final whistle as he prepared to net from 20 yards.

Everton will be disappointed but Rangers will be pleased with this resounding win, bouncing back after defeat. QPR manager, Rob Kemmenoe, said afterwards, “Well Brian, the defeat against Chelsea was disappointing, but y’know, it’s not about losing is it Brian? It’s all about how you react ; how you bounce back. I feel a bit sorry for Cilla though, having his goal wiped out at the end. Great finish! It would have been a surprise surprise if had stood though !”


Monday 17th October

Everton 3 West Ham 0
West Ham 0 Spurs 3
Spurs 1 Leeds Utd. 4

Match Reports – Everton stay top as Leeds gather momentum

Everton ( 2 ) 3 (No.11:12’ / No.5:14’ / No.8:25’ )
West Ham ( 0 ) 0

Everton continued their winning start to the season with this comfortable win over struggling West Ham. The home side’s finishing looked to be a cause for concern until No.11 struck on 12 minutes, to give Everton a 1-0 half-time lead. No.5 put them 2-0 up on 14 minutes, finishing off a move which started with a free-kick 30 yards out. No.8 took advantage of a goalkeeping error on 25 minutes, to wrap things up with a 3-0 win. Everton are top of the table with a 100 per cent record.

West Ham ( 0 ) 0
Spurs ( 1 ) 3 (No.8:5’ / No.18:20’ / No.5:22’)

West Ham took on Spurs, following their defeat against Everton. The Hammers contributed to an interesting contest, creating chances and pulling saves out of the Spurs keeper, as well as hitting one or two shots narrowly wide. At the other end, Spurs kept the West Ham keeper involved but, in the end, they had too much for West Ham, and eventually ran out 3-0 winners.

Spurs went in front on 5 minutes as No.8 put them 1-0 up. A goal on 20 minutes put Spurs comfortably in front, when No. 18 struck. 2-0 to Spurs! No. 5 scored 2 minutes later, to make it 3-0 on 22 minutes, to clinch the game.

Spurs ( 0 ) 1 (No.11:24’)
Leeds Utd ( 1 ) 4 (No7:13’ / No.8:20’ / No.10:26’ / No.7:29’)

Following their win against West Ham, Spurs took on mighty Leeds, and held their own for periods of the game. But the tide started to turn when Leeds took a 1-0 lead into the interval. No.7’s shot on 13 minutes beat the keeper at the near post. Twenty minutes gone and Leeds made it 2-0. No.8 hit a well struck shot, drilled into the far corner of the net. Spurs had their moments in the game and snatched a goal back to make it 2-1 on 24 minutes. The shot from No.11 was well placed into the corner. Leeds though, stormed back to make it 3-1 just two minutes later. Then No.10 capitalised on a defensive error on 26 minutes. 3-1 to Leeds! They wrapped up the game on 29 minutes when No.7 scored his second goal of the game, coolly passing the ball into the back of the net from the edge of the box. Final score, 4-1 to Leeds.

Riff Raff Premier League CEO, Albert Tatlock, said after Monday’s games, how pleased he is that there’s been no fence trashing this season and hopes it will continue. He retired to t’snug in t’Rovers to down a few celebratory bottles of Milk Stout with Ena Sharples.


Wednesday 11th October

West Ham 0 QPR 4

Match Reports – Throw-ins galore at Yiewsley

West Ham 0 Q.P.R. 4

With the new fencing installed at Yiewsley Stadium, West Ham took on the defending league champions with renewed optimism. And it appeared to be well founded in the early exchanges, as Rangers seemed to be faltering, giving the ball away and passes going astray. West Ham got through the QPR backline as early as the first minute, but couldn’t test ‘Parksie’ in the QPR goal.

It soon became clear that regular stoppages to pick up large sections of the fencing surround from off the floor, were now a thing of the past. However, this brought with it added difficulties in taking throw-ins ! In fact, it’s now nigh-on impossible. What fun we had trying to take the simplest of throws. It was one throw-in after the other, as the ball spent record time in touch ! I wonder what Sep Back-Hander would have made of it all if he’d still been running things (probably wouldn’t have given a Castlemaine 4X – hope that’s not unauthorised advertising). So, improvements still needed for West Ham’s new ground. Where have we heard that before ? ! Anyway, back to the game …

Despite the poor start, Rangers soon began to string some passes together and threaten the West Ham defence. No.9 ‘Sir Les’ hit a powerful shot which the home keeper saved well. As we’ve come to expect, West Ham’s keeper made some fine saves throughout, but it was his error on 6 minutes which saw Rangers go in front. The keeper missed his clearance from the corner of the box and No.2 stroked the ball into the corner of the empty net. 1-0 to QPR. West Ham remained resilient until the second half, when Rangers took full control. Despite the defiance of the Hammers’ keeper, goals from No.11 (20 minutes), No.10 ‘Stan’ (23 minutes) and No.9 ‘Sir Les’ (26 minutes) secured the points for Rangers.


Monday 9th October

Spurs 0 Everton 2
Leeds Utd. 1 Chelsea 1
Chelsea 1 Spurs 1

Match Reports – Everton are early-season leaders

Spurs 0 Everton 2

The new season got underway with a “welcome back” to Kev and his Spurs side, rejoining the league after a three year absence.
Both sides had their chances but Everton probably spurned the better opportunities before taking the lead. The goal came with a shot from outside the box, on 13 minutes. 1-0 Everton at half-time. The game continued in the same vane until Everton grabbed a second goal to secure the points and assume early leadership at the top of the table.

Leeds Utd 1 Chelsea 1

This mouthwatering encounter saw Chelsea kick off the match. Quick as a flash, the No.10 stormed through the Leeds defence to finish emphatically from 25 yards. The ball hit the back of the net with no more than 30 seconds gone. The fasted ever goal scored in Riff Raff Premier League history ? Probably ! But Leeds have a habit of scoring straight after conceding – a statistic which Chelsea manager Alan Arnold was no doubt aware. Chelsea continued to take the game to Leeds, despite having possibly stirred up a nest of vipers ! Then on 5 minutes, Leeds produced the feared equaliser. No.11 gave the keeper no chance with a shot into the top corner of the net. The second half threatened more goals at both ends, but they somehow never materialised, despite some good chances. In the end, both sides shared a point-a-piece from this hard-fought, yet entertaining encounter.

Chelsea 1 Spurs 1

Spurs took the lead as No.9 scored, with a good finish on 9 minutes. They then proceeded to make things hard for their opponents. Frustration seemed to be creeping in, as some of Chelsea’s promising moves broke down. Chelsea left it late to snatch a point, handed to them on the plate by the Spurs defence, giving the ball away on the edge of their own area. Chelsea’s No.4 made no mistake to level it the scores just 2 minutes from time.